Interview Practice

30 Mar

“So to get started, please tell us why you’d like this role”

“Well, for a start the office is quite close to where I live so commuting wouldn’t be a pain in the arse.”

The interviewer nodded and took some notes. The candidate continued.

“Also, the main reason I’d like this role is because I have rent and bills to pay, and by doing this job, you’d give me money.”

“Mmh-hmm” The interviewer quickly finished scrawling, looked up and smiled. “Excellent point. Next question, what qualities do you think you can bring to this role?”

The candidate rolled his eyes, and leaned back in his chair.

“Er, well, I suppose the main quality I’d bring would be that I’d do the job really well. I’ve looked over the job description and it looks like a piece of piss to be honest. Also, relating back to the last question, if I didn’t do the job, you’d stop giving me money.”

“Ah-ha, thank you. I’ll hand you over to my colleague for the next question.” The colleague looked up from her notes, her eyes were bored and lifeless.

“How would you help build and maintain our corporate ethos?” She said icily.

The candidate once again looked annoyed.

“Oh for goodness sa-… OK, fine. Um, I would make sure I worked hard, and I wouldn’t do anything really stupid in the office, unless of course the manager wasn’t looking. I also wouldn’t slag off the company in earshot of anyone important. I also wouldn’t do any of those things that the company says you shouldn’t.”

The interviewer and the colleague looked at each other and nodded. It was the interviewer’s turn again.

“OK, and finally what are your views on diversity?”

“Diversity?” The candidate looked confused. “How hard can it be? I’m not racist, sexist, ageist, religionist, obesist, disabilitist and don’t care who puts what part of themselves into anyone else and no one else should either. I can’t say I ever spare a thought for diversity, people are just people. What a stupid question.”

The interviewer stopped scribbling and looked up.

“Lovely, that’s all for now. unless you have any questions?”

“Yes, when do I start?”

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4 Responses to “Interview Practice”

  1. marc nash 30 March 2012 at 21:11 #

    he’s a tad presumptuous. They have to ask for his references first ;-)

    If only interviews were conducted like this!

    Good fun

  2. Steve Green 31 March 2012 at 18:59 #

    It gave me a few smiles did this.

    You really would like to answer their stupid questions in this way, wouldn’t you? :)

    • Mr S 31 March 2012 at 21:16 #

      I actually had a successful interview just this week. Thought I should post this to get it out of my system! Interviews are so horrible….

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The #FridayFlash Report – Vol 3 Number 45 | Friday Flash - 30 June 2012

    […] Interview Practice by Stu ~ @stukulele ~ Humor […]

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