Archive | March, 2012

Interview Practice

30 Mar

“So to get started, please tell us why you’d like this role”

“Well, for a start the office is quite close to where I live so commuting wouldn’t be a pain in the arse.”

The interviewer nodded and took some notes. The candidate continued.

“Also, the main reason I’d like this role is because I have rent and bills to pay, and by doing this job, you’d give me money.”

“Mmh-hmm” The interviewer quickly finished scrawling, looked up and smiled. “Excellent point. Next question, what qualities do you think you can bring to this role?”

The candidate rolled his eyes, and leaned back in his chair.

“Er, well, I suppose the main quality I’d bring would be that I’d do the job really well. I’ve looked over the job description and it looks like a piece of piss to be honest. Also, relating back to the last question, if I didn’t do the job, you’d stop giving me money.”

“Ah-ha, thank you. I’ll hand you over to my colleague for the next question.” The colleague looked up from her notes, her eyes were bored and lifeless.

“How would you help build and maintain our corporate ethos?” She said icily.

The candidate once again looked annoyed.

“Oh for goodness sa-… OK, fine. Um, I would make sure I worked hard, and I wouldn’t do anything really stupid in the office, unless of course the manager wasn’t looking. I also wouldn’t slag off the company in earshot of anyone important. I also wouldn’t do any of those things that the company says you shouldn’t.”

The interviewer and the colleague looked at each other and nodded. It was the interviewer’s turn again.

“OK, and finally what are your views on diversity?”

“Diversity?” The candidate looked confused. “How hard can it be? I’m not racist, sexist, ageist, religionist, obesist, disabilitist and don’t care who puts what part of themselves into anyone else and no one else should either. I can’t say I ever spare a thought for diversity, people are just people. What a stupid question.”

The interviewer stopped scribbling and looked up.

“Lovely, that’s all for now. unless you have any questions?”

“Yes, when do I start?”

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Bunt

23 Mar

Hannah was up especially early to begin setting up the street party

“These will be just perfect for the jubilee! All we need now is to hoist the Union jack.”

Her friend looked on cynically, his low black hat tilted forward despite the warm June morning.

“Union flag.” He said. She attempted to ignore him.

“And look, there’s pictures of the royal family on the bunting! There’s Prince Harry, the Prince of Wales, Princess Katharine…”

“Princess William.” He interjected again.

“Stop it will you? I’m getting so sick of your constant pedanticness.”

Pedantry.

A commemorative plate whistled past his head.

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This drabble is very pleasing. 100 words and 500 characters exactly. Super-drabble?

Also, the pedantic friend was partially inspired by Black Hat from XKCD.com, you should check it out…

Distraction

16 Mar

Ed was very excited about his latest writing efforts. In fact, he was so excited about it he had printed it out and was taking it out for a walk. Well not exactly out for a walk, but sitting indoors typing didn’t do it justice and felt going to sit outside, basking in the sunshine and watching people go by would inspire him even further. He was even going to write with a pencil. That’s how serious he was. An honest-to-god, sharpen-with-a-penknife pencil.

It was as he stood outside his front door, dithering about which direction to head for maximum inspiration his old friend Dave snapped him out of his reverie.

“Alright ma-ate?”

“Yeh, yeh alright. Hi.” Replied Ed meekly. Being snapped out of his reverie was something that Ed was going to have to take time to get over. He liked Dave. He liked Dave a great deal, but this was precisely the wrong moment for him to turn up out of the blue. Turning up out of the blue was something that Dave did. He was one of those people who goes off the radar for weeks or months at a time, and then turns up as if everything were normal, apparently unaware that explanation was needed. Ed could see him every day for a week, and then not see him for three or four. It was just something he accepted.

By the expectant way Dave was looking at him, Ed felt it was his turn to talk. He didn’t know what to say.

“Um.” He tried. Yes, that would do. It was the best he could muster at such short notice.

“Mate, I was just coming to see you. We don’t see each other enough.”

“Oh.” It occurred to Ed he was outside for a reason, but couldn’t recall it. He looked back at his house.

“Don’t you ever think after all we’ve been though, we should see each other more?”

“Erm, ok. I was just, um…” Ed looked up and down the street. Perhaps the answer would be obvious if he looked around a bit. His brain was racing, though it was more in a manner of a dog chasing it’s tail than a sprint.

“Think about what we’ve been through together. School, uni, gender reassignment, unconscious summer holidays in Portugal.” Dave smiled a devious smile at Ed, who knew the part about gender reassignment had been a test to see if he was listening. He had certainly been hearing, but listening would have been a strong word for it. Dave continued regardless.

“And all this time with me living so far away, you know? Well, guess what?” He asked expectantly.

“I er- I’m not… Hmm?” Ed was taking a surprisingly long time to get a grip.

He really had been, for a very short time, in ‘the zone’. You’ve heard a lot about the zone, but you’ve probably never quite been in it like Ed was. Unfortunately, a characteristic of the zone was an utter inability to comprehend it, even when you were in it. The zone was like a helicopter. Getting in one could be tricky and once you were in you never wanted to come out, but anyone who said they really knew how one worked was a liar.

“Come on man!” Cried Dave at last, “This was supposed to be big! I was supposed to come along, get a big embrace, then I was going to reminisce briefly, then you’d say how brilliant it would if I moved in around the corner. I was going to tell you I was doing that tomorrow, then we’d go ‘yeh!’ and get to the pub, chuckling like idiots.”

Ed attempted to put a few of these things together.

“Ok, right. So you’re-”

“I’m bloody moving in round the corner aren’t I?!”

Ed finally shook off the last of the zone. He was in the moment, fully engaged and ready to go to the pub chuckling like an idiot. It was just then when Dave changed tack.

“So what’s that then?” Dave asked, pointing at the sheaf of paper under Ed’s arm. Ed was now so soon out of the zone that when asked about his work, he seemed surprised there was something nestling under his arm and almost dropped it.

“Oh, that’s er- my manuscript” Ed wasn’t sure why he had decided to use the word manuscript. He wasn’t precisely sure what exactly the ‘manu’ part of it meant, and why it would make a difference. Up to that point, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever actually said the word aloud before. It wasn’t even a script.

It was turning out to be an odd day for Ed.

End of the Line

8 Mar

3.8 billion years ago, two amino acids were quietly going about their business when they collided and something quite startling happened.

From this humble and rather baffling beginning, everything began. Everything, that is, that relates to life on this planet anyway. Protocells were formed and split themselves. Weird groups of cells got together and managed to split themselves and make more weird groups of cells. It was all highly unlikely, but it happened anyway.

Then one of these basic forms of life had the great idea of sex. It turned out to be really rather a good idea, mixing up gene pools and accelerating the processes of evolution. It was quite fun too.

For millions of generations two creatures managed to find one another, get off and knock out a couple of kids. Even the really ugly ones managed it. They all did it so that their kids could do it so that their kids could do it. They all survived long enough to do the dirty, and that was all that was important.

Billions of organisms over millions of years. Too many to properly be able to think about. Life begets life. That’s what life is all about.

Linda snuggled up to her husband.

“Do you think you’ll ever want kids?” She asked.

“Nah”

And that was that.

Past

3 Mar

It was another grey day.

Another grey day to walk the town, keeping his eyes sharp for trouble that never materialised. He limped out of his house and towards his assigned route for the day.

A stranger approached him. He had a special look in his eye, one of adventure mixed with a sort of naivety. The old guard recognised that look. He had seen it when catching himself in the mirror, many years before.

He turned and smiled at the stranger and sighed.

“I used to be an adventurer like you, until I took an arrow in the knee”